confession of a jealous sister. LOL

Warning: The following post may seem to be a racial slur but keep in mind the writer is a malay, therefore there is no racial bs in this. Furthermore, the writer would like to apologize on any damage inflicted by the following. Everyone is entitled for their opinion and the writer has hers. Freedom of speech is practiced in Malaysia. Viewer discretion is advised :)


perhaps this picture surprised much any of devoted readers of mine, but for God's sake, that's really my picture with my brother (me left, my bro right).

i've just finished reading my bro's blog and it fascinates me.

http://awakeningthelife.blogspot.com/
the way he wrote, the way he expressed himself, he looked so matured than what i've expected. it's been a while since i last saw him. he played with me, fooled around and even warned me about fatness and fitness, even though it sounds like jokes.

i know how horrible his life was before this miracle happened. well of course, his miracles start with perseverances. yes, he's undeniably a determined big brother.

his latest post reminded me on his 'dark ages'. i dont know why some people are having issues with him changing. environmental changes did made him a better person, feel better, look better and most of all, he is so ALIVE.

but i just dont understand why they're soo negative about it, especially his Malays friends from SM St Patrick. some even said he took drugs to be that skinny. WTH? such a moron. pity them for having such a tiny-lil-brat-thinking.
KESIAN..

YOU JUST DONT KNOW HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO BE FAT FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

so people, mirror is proven to be the most efficient thing to transform yourself. it's okay to keep on looking into the mirror 'cause you can strengthen you math skill by counting on the acnes or black pores on your face. so, try it! :)

p/s: my brother often looks into the mirror even when he's already skinny. LOL.


BTW, I MISS MY MISERABLE BIG BROTHER xD

21.3.2010

GOODBYE PEOPLE

maybe not.

greetings charms, seems that i'm back on track to update this baby. i haven't put my butt off busy updating my blog yet, still searching for appropriate times since i'm so preoccupied with my schedules. i'm improving. well, at least.

miserable days i've went through put me in a deep down position, real deep. realizing the miles which are adding up and the days which are counting down didn't really work out if my decision is to remain this way. cut the jet black from my hair before we're bathed in the dawn. yeah, i'm fully grown. not really, 'cause i'm still figuring out to become a lil bit taller. please?

life taught us and thoughts twist words. infinity of life existed and exists since life is ever-changing. i've never put an end in my life, 'cause every end begins with a starting point. yes, i just received my result and it was...indescribable?

Bahasa Melayu - 90 [A]
Bahasa Inggeris - 84 [A]
Pendidikan Agama Islam - 87 [B+]
Sejarah - 85 [A]
Mathematics - 87 [A]
Additional Math - 83 [A]
Physics - 75 [A]
Chemistry - 74 [B+]
Biology - 74 [B+]
Pendidikan Jasmani dan kesihatan- 88 [A] :D
Pendidikan Sivik dan kewarganegaraan - 87 [A]

pointer ----> 3.86 -.-

PJK and PHYSICS relieve me but my pointer drops 0.01 and it's probably because of my laziness. well, IT IS. thank God i've noticed some dogs and cats went berserk over mates which have given me at least some wake up call while my neighbours are having their very World War which have at least inspired me to go to my room and not-to-busy-body but to study instead, my vacations are great enough but nothing would be greater if i spend my time sleeping at home and pay my abandoned sleeping debt instead. yes, i'm still down.

he's moving back to his home town next year. i have no right to stop him, yes but no, i dont. i've hurted him so much and the only thing i hope from him is his apology. maybe his friends or even my friends would say i'm cruel much but i'm really lucky to have such an understanding friend like him 'cause he's the only one who'd understand everything and i hope it is for real. i'll be definitely missing him, his memories, everything about him..

.........................................
sometimes, i would ask myself or maybe just a lil wish for myself to have the only thing i've been missing for all this while. i've been sooo demanding, asking for stupid things for my own good and finally i realized how selfish i was. but please, if this is the only demand or the last wish i would hope for, the only thing i would ask for is another chance.

if only i could ask for another chance and get things back to normal, everything will be fine, isn't it? if only i could ask for another chance to explain everything, everything will be better than this, isn't it? if only, i could ask for another chance to just see him a lil while, everything just won't vanish away just like this...

but no..the only thing to demand, or maybe just wish is a sincere apology. i'm sorry.

losing my mojo.

"Bella, i couldnt live myself if i ever hurt you.
you dont know how it's tortured me.
the thought of you still, white, cold..."

new moon's movie is okay but i'm really not okay. new moon's book is better but i'll never feel any much better. Jacob is great but drinking milo with Jacob's biscuit would be greater. Edward is hot but Jacob is way much hotter. no matter what team will i choose, it doesn't really matter.

'cause honestly, i dont even give a damn about it.

i'm mourning.

every single life will come to the end, it's just the matter of time

my grandma had just passed away. i'm recovering. too many things happened, and i know my friends are questioning. about my relationship status, i'm single and thats the end. i'm just not ready for any more commitment. please understand. and after this, i might not be the same anymore. life's been soo hard. i'm truly dissapointed of myself. and, if you're questioning why did i do 'this' to him, i have my own reason. i'm really down. please, i'm not ready and i really need some time.

i'm mourning and recovering.

moans and groans are thrown, mourn wont be forever. neither fame nor fortune, only prayers would be grown.
[al-fatihah]

broken.

i'm having the worst fight right now. for God sake, it's the worst fight ever, i mean for this week. it was between me and someone who's obviously a paranoid person who'd ONLY think for the sake of herself and would only think for her own good which is totally NOT MATURED of specifically, IMMATURE !

i'. quite mad of this situation well actually YES, i'm very mad of her. she's kind of person that would only rely on the others but would never think of the others. i don't care if she's paranoid or something 'cause for God sake, i love her as a friend but for sure, i don wanna make it obvious. honestly, i don't like to show my love to someone i loved or maybe i don't know how to express those feelings but come'on laa, you're big enough to judge which one is right and which one is wrong.

and i think both of us had done some stupidest silliset mistake ever.

ok, f and i want to help you, yes we did. last night's situation had nothing to do with our condition in the past. i've always knew that i often hurt you but think again, that's for your own good. okay, maybe i sound hush to you, but that's the way i am. i can't make myself become some feminine girl who would pursue you, give you wake up call every second of your life til the end of your life. speak it for real, I'M SICK OF YOU.



yes, i'm cruel, violent, or terorist you might say. whatever, i don't care. and it's time for me judge you, you're kind-hearted but selfish, emotional and most of all you're SENSITIVE.

so, whatever,. if you wanna remain this way, it's up to you then. i've no more right to change you and i don;t think i can do this anymore. i gave up and it's all up to you, my friend.



p/s: it's just a broken piece of mine, ignore it if you don't understand. dedicated to someone.

i wanna go home :(

after being away for 5 days, i've made my decision. i've heard so many things about me when i'm not in tawau. people has been talking about it lately and i felt really uncomfortable with it. i'm so not in the mood right now. it seems like i don't wanna come back here again. i wanna get away from this hell school, technically, from those HELL PEOPLE. YES i do.

i'm having a really2 bad mood right now. terribly need someone who understands me. but it seems like i have no one right now. my soul ain't here, my heart ain't here, everything's just not right. i just wish i can go back to Batu Pahat and spend my whole life there. yeah, btw, i've just came back from Batu pahat for Math Carnival.

we've reached the final stage for our computer project, but unfortunately we won nothing. but out of 44 MRSM, we're the top 10, it's quite a great achievement what :) but nywy, congrats to farhana nabilah from MRSM batu pahat, my new friend, they got the first prize for computer project + diivan for getting the best debater among every MRSM in Malaysia. if you get to know him, he's really nice and a mad one.

indeed, it was great to get new friends, new environment and most of all NEW CLOTHES. trust me or not, i've bought 7 tees and i spent quite a number on tees ONLY. they're designed one, just for mrsm students only. they're awesomely cool ! :D but despite of my happiness there, i'm NOT HAPPY here.

no one will ever understand me. it's too complicated to be written here but i'm sure i'm relieved after quite a time leaving this hell school and now, i'm back again, meeting the same persons, who always talk behind my back and it's annoying.

current mood : indescribable.

p/s : about my last post, ignore it. it was more complicated than what i've written :(

check-in mrsm :(

GOODBYE :(
time flies and it's time to say goodbye.
i've got to go back to where i belong.
gahh, life gets back to normal.

JAKUNIST's life.
no handphone, no internet.
wiil miss you all.
keep in touch, okay?


with love,
nabila azureen aka yiyin :)

SHUT UP ! i'm fat.

it took so long for me to open up this stuff. well, where did i go? haha, i was actually enjoying playing friendster. HAHA. damn, it's a joke.

no, it's not. -___-

i still remember the last time i've addicted with this stupid stuff was two years ago which had now, become a stupid stuff of mine, again, for this whole week. i spent at least 600 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 milliseconds for this stupid stuff per day and i'll have about 150++ comments everyday and i was like WTF? and currently my comments are as much as my FATS in my ass. trust me, i'm gaining weight due to my physical disability + my mom's best cooking ever + my have-not-done-yet-homework.

gah, i'm lazayyyyyyy.

and today, to my dissapoinment and sadness in my heart and soul,

i've found out that i've gained 2 KILO.

2KILOGRAM people!
2 KILO !!!!!

STRESSED, STRESSED, STRESSED >.<

i thought there's some zero error with that fcking machine, what did they call that machine??? aiyaaa, the one measure measure weight one?? duh, forget it.. but apparently, there's NO ERROR at all 'cause i just found out it was actually an electronic one which has no possiblility to make any mistake. blehhh -___-

STRESSED, STRESSED, STRESSED >.<

arghh, i ain't gonna look into the mirror again. not forever lah. i feel ugly, ugly, uglehhhh!! arghhh, i'm desperate, desperate, desperate. i think i'm gonna start staying away from rice. yeah yeah, and chicken and meat and mutton too and whatever that relates to fats.

arghhhhhh!!!!
my tummy is LAYERING.
omgomg, LAYERED!!
macam kuih lapis sudaa -___-


things to do ASAP. *which i don't know when, yet.

1. WORK OUT. ask dad to bring me to park.
you know i won't go alone! ada itu anjing gilaaa.

2. FINISH MY HOMEWORK.
to forget about food. :((

3. STAY AWAY FROM KITCHEN.
to avoid eating actually.

4. STOP LOOKING AT MY MOM'S FACE.
or else i'll be thinking about food.

lesson of the day --- DO NOT EAT.

this is serious man, i don't think i'm gonna step into the kitchen looking for some junks and food. no. NO. no.



this can be good too.
you won't notice you're fat when everyone is as fat as YOU. lol.

p.s : i've just gotten myself eating some cadbury marble chocs just now but i swear i won't eat it after this. but wait til i finish it laa. how could i DARE throw them away? they're my favouritessss. even the anorexics won't do that. xD

memories.

grr, it's been two weeks i've become some jakuns who didn't touch any media electronics except for some stupid radio purchased in giant. i miss my mp4 you know! i strongly disagree that mp4 is not allowed in that so-called prison! but mp3 in the other hand, is allowed. stupid rules.

haiyaa, i don't have mp3 laa...

there, we spent most of our time for meals. stupid timetable, we eat six times per day. my fatty acids and glycerol will difinitely increase rapidly, soon, one month after or maybe a week? NO. that's the reason why i skipped meals for several times. yeaa, who wants to get fat?

but the food is not that bad, quite nice if compared at least it's better than the one in MRSM Koki. and fyi, for these whole two weeks, i washed my very own laundry MANUALLY aka using hands! OMG, it's so abussive. you can't abuse children with laundry! stupid dobi. but thank God, dobi will officially usable next week. gahh.

i met lots of people there. genius, nerdy, horrible, prostitude-looking, mean girls, uh-so perasan prince charming, indecent geek guys, you name it. overall, new school is awesome!

and sheena, really, lots of hotties there. hoho, i think i crush on someone. hoho. kidding. and teehee, i got admirers. hihi. perasan sudaa.

take care people, that's all for the time being. gtg back at 2pm. urgh, i hate rules.


btw, i have some pics for you guys, sweet memories, pleasent viewing. :)
















I MISS SM ST PATRICK, FAZRINA, VALERIE, REBECCA, YVONNE, JULAYHA, JULIANA, AND 4 BERLIANS.
not to forget sheena, fatney, eiya, iman and hanis.

I MISS YOU ALL :(

friendship.

brass band had a farewell dinner for me today which made me totally touched. we had it in Rasa Sayang, one of the best restaurants in Tawau and the food are really nice.

we had a lot of fun. not really. not as we used to be.
we just don't know how to enjoy ourselves just now.
sad? happy? not at all. heavy-hearted to be exact.



it's been years i've joined brass band and it's really impossible to just forget everything in minutes. i'll miss the retarded president, the totally crazy vice president, ME and all the brass band's members.

i still remember those hard times i've been through in Brass Band. each and every drop of tears and laughters. we shared almost everything, those yellow jokes, those critics on one pondan we've met , those retarded acts from each and everyone of us etc. i'll remember those simple things, even the littlest single thing, i'll bear in my mind.

as for me, myself, i had an arguement before with my ex-bestfriend. we used to be a pair of real bestfriends that no one could ever seperate us. we're that close till we didn't even dare to hurt each other. we used to share the same passion, the same interests, the same car to school aka 'carpooling' and even the same co-curricular unit, Brass Band.

let's call her J. J and i are friends till now but not as close as we used to be. some arguement break our relationship. it's no one's fault actually. it's just that both of us are ego, didn't wanna compromise, didn't wanna negotiate at all. it then became worse till we didn't talk to each other for several months. we didn't even text, didn't even talk, didn't even look at each other. we ignored each other till one day, both of us realized that we're both fool. we lost our friendship just because of misunderstanding. but, it was too late. even the most sincere apology couldn't heal our pain. yes, we become friends again but not as close as we used to be. everything just changed and yeah, i lost my friend.

FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS, SO APPRECIATE IT WHILE YOU HAVE IT.

i promise i won't repeat the same mistake. i'll appreciate everything i have, friendship, relationship, family and most of all ALLAH, who always help me in every thing i do.


look at the cute lil teddy!


our very own Brass Band keychain :)


MONEY MONEY $$

so, these are my presents for my farewell. huh, having some hard time typing here. won't elaborate more. i had another farewell with my malay friends tomorrow. until my next farewell post, ily :)

my colourful post :)

OMG, i'm so touched. my classmates made a farewell for me and for those who're leaving. guess what, they made a card for every of us and i cried. :((

i've been studying with them for three years, shared our tears and laughter and today was the last day studying in the class cause after tomorrow, we'll have our annual sports days. shit sukantara tomorrow. urgh, sooner or later, i'll become some dark-charcoal creature. that's why i hate sukan but i love my brass band and my rumah sukan, BALUNG. anyways, i'll try my best for Balung tomorrow! :D

fyi, it's my birthday tomorrow!
hoho, i'm hap-hap-happy!! :D
weeeeeeeeeee!

happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to NABILA and WAWA,
and we're turning sixteen! :D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMAZING SCIENCE FACT,
after making some observation in the mirror today, the experiment shows that my wrinkles are gradually increased due to the metabolism and genetics effect. so, the hypothesis is accepted. i'm aging. O.o

BOOHOO! i'm getting older!

ignore those craps. highlight of the day,
i'm turning 16 tomorrow ! :D

p.s : i'll upload my farewell pics after sports day. lazy to do it now, plus this shitty internet line, i give up.

stop.

I GIVE UP

i'll FORGET bout him and the other him.
nothing's gonna change without them. i'm moving on.
they're nothing. nothing, nothing, NOTHING.
they're just NOTHING.

'cause without them,
my clock is still ticking,
my sun is still rising,
my moon is still glooming,
my mom is still nagging,
and i'm still breathing.


i'm doing fine without you.
in fact, i'm better than that.
just move on and get a life, NABILA! =.='


p/s : chemist's homework is killing me.
i'm so dead. O.O

it's not over :[

to someone who suppose to read this :[

i don't understand. i miss you damn much but do i love you? every time you broke my heart, i broke down. every time you left me, i felt so lonely. every time you said sorry, i felt so guilty. what is actually happening to me? i just couldn't understand.

i'm falling apart, i weep and weep, cry and cry, broke into pieces and every tears down like razorblades, i couldn't help myself. it's like i'm playing in my own game alone, feeling lonely, so lonely. despite of my loneliness, are you willing to share your laughter with me? or your tears perhaps? no, you won't do that. you'll never do that. what exactly i am to you? who am i? i'm nothing.

i lose myself in all these fights, i lose my sense of wrong and right. i couldn't decide. am i wrong or it's you? i'm not the one to blame, same goes to you. if it's no one's fault, why is it over? it can't be over. why shouldn't it be over and over again? why shouldn't it be forever? i wish that i could take it back, bring back all the happiness to you. but i know i couldn't. and the only words that can heal everything is a sincere apology. i'm so sorry :[

your call.

last night...

it was one o'clock in the morning when everyone had gotten themselves into their own fantasy world. it was dark, silent, peace but it's meaningless. it made me feel even more upset, even more irritated. i glanced around my own room, thinking of something that is not defined. thinking about something complicated, more than i've ever had and i just don't know why. i just couldn't close my eyes and maybe this time was, insomnia.

my phone rang and it cracked the peace of night. my mind turns zero in a sudden.

*who would call me in the middle of the night? would it be an emergency?*

so, i just picked it up.

me : hello?

caller : hello. ney nabila ka?

me : eyaa. sepa ney yeaa?

caller : still remember me?

me : ermm? you are...

*i hesitated. that sound is really familiar. is it him?*

caller : it's me, taufiq.
me : oww, yeaa... yes. ermm?

caller : i know you might want to stop this conversation right away but please, give me some chance.

me : chance? what do you mean?

caller : you knew it. me either. i just hope that...

me : we can get back like before?

caller : yeaa. i really hope for it. if you don't mind.

*what do you mean I DON'T MIND? what am i? a loser who was desperate for love?*

me : you knew our past. you're the one who ruined it. you broke my heart and now you're getting me back? what exactly do you want from me? tears???

caller : i...just can't live without you. you're the one who made me laugh and even cry. you made me realized the real love. you made me respect every girls in this world. you're my everything and i'm really sorry for what i've done.

*sorry? will the word 'sorry' heal everything that happened? will it change our past? no! *

me : ....

caller : okei, perhaps you need time. i really wish we can be... you know, like before. cuz i really love you.

*i love you either. love you more than you've ever did.*

me : .... i can't take it anymore. you know how hurt am i when you left me alone? you left me with the tears, you left me without sympathy. you left me with your memories and love ! and now, you're taking me back? as what? as an idiot girl who'll be cheated by guys, again?

caller : stop it ! you do not know how painful i was that time. you didn't even know. you didn't know all this while i'm having miserable days. you didn't even give me some space for explaination.

me : explaination? what else do you want to explain? you have another girlfriend? or you actually didn't love me at all?

caller : i love you more than anything. it's just that...

me : what?

caller : i've to leave you. my mom knew about us. everything. so, i've no choice other than leaving you without any reason. my mom banned me from using phone. i thought you would forget about me.

me : but you hurt me ! i broke down and i felt like the world is no longer alive. i felt so dark. so lonely. ...*i cried*

caller : i...*he seems like crying* ...i need you. i can't take it anymore. i love you...

me : i love you too... *crying*

caller : i need you, yin. i missed you so much and i'm moving next year.

me : you're moving? i don't understand.

caller : yeaa, i'm moving to kk and we'll rarely meet each other again.

me : ermmm. i just don't know. i really need some time. to heal everything.

caller : i know. take your time. and one thing that i want you to know, i love you more than anything. i love you.

me : .....
caller : guess you're really sleepy right now. go bobok okay? fiq sayang sama yin. ermm, jangan buang cincin tuwh yaa yin?

me : ...

caller : yin??

me : yeaa.

caller : okay. bye. goodnight and sweetdreams.

me : goodnight. bye...

it's complicated. i just don't know. should i trust him? what if he cheated me once again? break my heart once again? and leave me alone like what he'd done before?

i...i just don't know. i wish everything will get better in time. nabila, stop thinking such a thing. you have to forget him, not only him, but all of these love stuff. you're just 15 and you shouldn't trap yourself in these kinds of stuff. you have to continue your life. you have to do this. YOU HAVE TO AND YOU CAN DO THIS !

you go girl !

status : jiwank gilakk wehh.
btw, this is my 60th post, congrates me ! yayy ! =.='

why don't you just break me up?

huhh. i'm DONE with you. SICK with you. TIRED. EXHAUSTED. why don't you just break me up? just because i'm a girl? because i'm soft-hearted? or it's because you're alone? afraid to be single??

you said you loved me. LOVING SOMEONE IS NOT ABOUT dating someone, text or phone your another-half all the time. LOVING is SHARING. and honestly, you've shared nothing with me except the despairs, miserables and nothing else. there's no happiness at all. it was only sadness between us that i don't wanna get through again. and yeaa, both of us knew bout it.

but why were we so stupid? hiding the truth? and being dishonest to each other? i smiled to you but have you ever knew that i'm crying inside? you said you wanna forget the past. YES, i've done my best to help you but WHY don't you help yourself? maybe she means a lot to you or maybe i am just a NOTHING for you. then WHY SHOULD THIS ATTACHMENT EXIST?

and i just don't understand why should i accept you at the first time? is it because of love or sympathy? and i realize the answer would be SYMPATHY. i'm so sorry. i've tried my best to love you but NO, i can't do that. i wanna be with someone i love, someone i know and you're NOT THE ONE. i'm so sorry for cheating you for almost a month. i can't take it anymore and i hope someday you'll look into my eyes and say to me that you never love me.

listen here, we have to stop cheating. stop all the bull craps. stop all the drama cuz there're too much secrets and lies between us. and the only thing that we can do is BREAK UP and please don't dodge. avoiding something will only makes something to become worse. so, we break up and i'm single. fullstop.

and dear, the only way to forget a girl is TO FIND ANOTHER GIRL. just walk away! find another girl or get back with your exGF or commit suicide or what cuz i don't CARE !

thanks for everything. i don't love you. being friends is more than enough :)