Tuesday, September 7, 2010

is seventeen old enough?

i'm wide awake, it's morning. i'm singing like a canary despite being in a bedwarming mood. insomniac thing, crazy, but seriously i can't sleep. i didn't expect this sleep deprivation thing gets worse.

i had this thought which repeatedly crosses my mind; don't surpass my capacity for responsibility. over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it haven't changed.

my capacity is exceeded gradually, through the accumulation of simple, spm's preparation + daily tasks.

but a few times a year, i spontaneously decide that i'm ready to be a real, matured teen. i don't know why i decide this; it always ends terribly for me. but i'll do it anyway. i sit myself down and tell myself how am i going to start knowing people in a wider range in a real world (exception of facebook,myspace etc social net), how am i suppose to adapt in another real world after this, how am i going to overcome problems without fuzzy duvet after this.

my schedules are drafted. but what will be next? day-planners are all purchased. i'll be stocking up on fancy food 'cause i'm planning on morphing into a master chef and actually cooking instead of just eating in dewan selera like i used to. i'll get prepared for my new life as a maturer teen like some people prepare for their marriage. haha.

the first day or two of my plans usually goes, just fine.

for a little while, i actually feel grown-up and responsible. i strut around with my head held high, looking the other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glance that says "i understand. i'm responsible now too. just look at my groceries." haha.

at some point, i start feeling self-congratulatory :)

this is a mistake.

i begin to feel like i've accomplished my goals. it's like i think that adulthood is something that can be earned like a trophy in one monumental burst of effort and then admired and coveted for the rest of one's life.

what usually ends up happening is that i completely wear myself out. thinking that i've earned my effort, i give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. since i've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, i end up needing to take more recovery time than usual, like studying at the eleventh hour again. this is when the guilt-spiral starts.

that little over-confident was a procrastination.

at some point in this endlessly spiraling disaster, i am forced to throw all of my energy into trying to be excelled again, just to dig myself out of the pit i've fallen into. the problem is that i enter this round of attempted not-to-study-so-much already burnt out from the last round. everything just didn't work.

it always ends the same way; starts everything all over and again, like reading Biology from the first chapter a night before exam. slumped and haggard, i contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me.

i miss sm st patrick

i'll miss mrsm tawau


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