who knows, this Ramadhan could be my last?

a few years back, i had always struggled with covering my awra. considering myself as an orchestra simultaneously a brass band clarinet player, surrounded by multicultural friends in school, i delayed it. i thought too much on how hijab would soon change me, especially on how my chinese and indian friends would treat me indifferently than before. again and again, i decided to delay, assuming; 'alas, the time will come.'

and so, i failed to cover them, up until my upper secondary school years.

i enrolled into boarding school then, inheriting so-called family tradition, along with the dream to become a scholar like my brother someday. i worked hard and tried to score every tests and examinations that i came across and successfully obtaining consistent high marks.

i did a lot of hard work - for nothing really.

it's compulsory to wear hijab in boarding school and so i obeyed. i soon tried to wear it outside the school and i succeeded. my first year of being a 'hijaber' was a success, i thought.

until, a chinese friend of mine asked me about hijab and the only thing i did was to regurgitate what others say about Islamic modesty, wearing it for Allah’s sake as He commanded it etc. but i didn’t mean it. i didn't feel satisfied with it.

yes, hijab had been my weakness.
if someone, anyone wanted to plant a seed of resentment in me, they'd start with hijab. force me to wear it. promise me the hell-fire.

perhaps i just want to feel joy and faith when i do things, just like everything i do in life. even when i feed any cat or fish, feeling compassion for it in its current state, i feel joy and faith taking care of Allah’s creation.

i even wondered why does Allah; oblige us to cover up ourselves, cover our aurat.

because Islam challenges us to be the best we can be.
i believe my struggles with hijab, is the key challenge for me. may also be true for sisters whose families or even whose cultures are not particularly observant, i know, i've been through the whole thing.

for others it may be something else, especially if hijab is no problem for you. i am a Muslim. i have no qualms, no shyness about being muslim and believing that Islam is the truth. life, science, maths, geography, history, medicine, everything reflects Islam and Islam reflects everything. you can deny it, but it will still exist. it’s like the huge pink elephant in the room that nobody wants to acknowledge. just like gravity, like kinetic energy, like 1 + 1 = 2, like cells multiplying, Islam does not need human belief to exist. gravity will still pull everything to earth, 1 + 1 will always be 2, cells will continue to multiply even if we deny that these are truths. Islam is true, quran is true. 17:105

hence awra is an Islamic truth. 24:31


and so i reflected each and every passing moment of mine
how He started to bring me into path, He introduced to me ukhwah, He conveyed His commands and messages through them, He shows His affection and love by answering my prayers sometimes declined them too, yet He still gives the best. 2:153

and He protects me from going astray
He placed me into another better place, Mara College Seremban. He gives me another wonderful family, He blessed me another Ramadhan, and yes, He even brings along my whole family into His only path this Ramadhan. alhamdulillah, thank you, thank you ya Allah. this ramadhan means so much to me ya Allah. subhanallah, Allah knows best. 22:68

i've learnt so much things within this holy month. i've taken inspiration from friends, new friends, seniors and even reverts who practice Islam with so much conviction and faith. nothing can sway them and they are satisfied. and i realize they, themselves have walked their own paths. they have learned, studied, gathered knowledge and chose Islam. they also made mistakes, for each person is weak and prone to sin and error. 4:110

insyaAllah, i would like to be the same. i'd like to feel like i'm doing the best thing, that i'm practicing the eternal truth.

i want to feel happy wearing hijab. i don’t want to begrudge a piece of cloth.


and who knows, this Ramadhan could be my last Ramadhan, hence i seek forgiveness from anyone who knows me and i am forgiving anyone who has done the same to me. not to forget, my greatest gratitude to anyone who had changed me for the better. thank you so much, may Allah bless you guys :)

assalam alaik! :D