save us, all of us

i used to have this ridiculous feeling - felt envious of my friends or any random people from pious family.

i thought that it's never easy to stand still alone, especially on this very new route. i'd been thinking, 'if only i was a pious, good girl since i was born, or maybe just since 10 years ago - i must have been a better muslim by now, read the Quran better, memorise the Quran more, or maybe i could even understand the Arabic words without taking a little glimpse on the translations.' 'if only... if only...' the list went on.

and up to one ultimate point, i was wondering, 'why aren't these things happening to me?'

astaghfirullah, that was truly ridiculous.

i remember how i got exhausted of my joyful yet monotonous life back then. it's like rowing boat on a calm sea but expecting waves to hit the boat instead. but once the storm hit, it drowned me to the bottom of the sea and i saw no way out.

yes, the time of desperation. that was the time i turned to my Creator to plead, not for what can be measured, bought or sold, just a single hope to be a better muslim. i braced myself, prayed for guidance and strength. but never did i see any connection to my previous prayer. reflecting on it, i realised how i had grown. and suddenly i remembered my prayer, suddenly i felt that that very difficulty was itself the answer to the prayer i had made so desperately.

that difficulty brought me back to path. in fact, that was the best way of bringing me back, back to where i belong. [21:35]

a sister once told me: "a good start doesn't guarantee a good ending." a girl without hijab today might be thousands times better than us in the akhirah. a drunk man on the street might end his life with Allah's mercy and forgiveness. each and every of us is wandering in the middle of a forest trying to find our way out. but all the trees look the same and each path leads back to the beginning.

no one finds their way out on their own - except whom He saves. 
save me, save us. for truly, truly i cannot save myself.