why can't i get what i want?

i was one to get attached.

ever since i was a little girl, i learned to become attached to everything around me - family, friends, places, moments and even outcomes. i just couldn't let go of anything. i was devastated when things didn't the work out the way i wanted, i even broke down when i didn't get As for exams. disappointment really isn't my thing. it was odd, catastrophic perhaps.

or maybe the word 'expectations' derived everything. expectations, expectations, expectations. expectations made me fall into the same pattern of disappointment and despairs. i had always thought love of dunnya meant being attached to material things. and apparently, it wasn't materials that i looked into. it was people, emotions. i was attached to people's expectations, people's decision and most of all people's impression. these were all parts of dunnya, these were temporary. the pain i had been experiencing was due to dunnya, overly attached to love of dunnya.

wallahi, as soon as i began to have the realisation, a veil was lifted from my eyes. second semester result was indeed a slam on my face. i sat down quietly at the corner of my room, thinking of what went wrong. perhaps it's a huge mistake of taking math HL, or perhaps it's due to the lacking of effort, or just maybe the exams, the syllabus, the entire IB was tough so on and forth. like a fragile glass vase that is placed on the edge of table, once it fell and broken, people got frustrated and bought a new vase to replace it. but the problem wasn't with the vase, the problem was putting the vase on the edge of table in the first place. i began to realise IB wasn't the problem, math HL wasn't the problem, it was me.


i happened to perchance an ayat from the glorious Quran, "those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present and those who heed not Our Signs." [10:7]

masyaAllah, Allah uses this failure to direct me.

 it was different this time. a few years back, i would cry over my examination results. but not anymore. i realise this failure isn't solely a failure. this failure is a reward. i told myself, "isn't Allah seeking your attention? isn't Allah calling you back to His path? isn't Allah trying to show His love? masyaAllah, subhanallah, wallahi Allah is perfect. Allah knows best and Allah shows His reward in another form. "...but it is possible you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you, but Allah knows, and you know not." [2:216]

subhanallah! Allah uses this failure to inspect me.

my usrah sister often reminds me of this: "for every situation in life, there is a name of Allah to turn to." maybe Allah wishes to inspect my faith, my iman. masyaAllah, all of these tested my faith, and eventually they gave me patience. thank you Allah :)

and finally, Allah uses this failure to protect me.

wallahi, i was thinking, if only my second semester result was as good as the semester before, maybe i would keep on staying in the comfort zone. maybe i would underestimate things. or worse, maybe i would go astray, na'uzubillah. alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah.

look, Allah is far more interested in our character than our comfort. our relationship with Allah and our character are the only two things that we're going to take with us into eternity. these problems, or it would be more appropriate to call them as 'tests', have triggered so many questions, am i obsessed with the dunnya? have i forgotten the akhirah? have i forgotten the priceless rewards in jannah? have i forgotten the hell fire in jahannam?

i'm pretty sure that i'll keep on experiencing emotional roller coaster in the future. so why don't we turn to the one and only rope we have, Allah SWT? Allah loves our voice. Allah wants to hear us asking Him. Allah wants us to turn back to Him. He wants us to be in jannah. He doesn't want us to ever forget Him and sidetracked by this dunnya. and most of all, Allah loves us.


so, before asking "why Allah doesn't give what i want?", ask yourself this, "did i give what Allah wants?" :)

p/s: semester 3 just started and the former batch just got their flying colour results. lecturers have been saying their results are the best so far. congratulations dear seniors! so it's our turn next year and this is going to be challenging, i mean very very challenging. do pray for us! go batch 7! insyaAllah :)

assalamualaikum! :)

a slice of bread

living in a sunny part of the world where morning sun is sheer pleasure is indeed a geographical fortune of mine. hence i love stepping out for a walk, anywhere will do, friends accompanying would be just perfect :)


but there are times when you get cornered by vagrants or beggars when you're eating, or maybe shopping. 

like everywhere else in the world, beggars often approach strangers for money. as a girl i am always a little fearful of this and tried to shorten the experience as much as possible. i avoided eye contact and quickly drew change from my pocket for them or shook my head in decline if i had none. i felt unfairly targeted and yes, some of them were bothersome. 


i do feel sorry for their poverty and wanted to help like anyone else would. but i felt annoyed and bothered by them especially when i really don't have change on me and they still persist.


i remember one day my big brother and i walked past a foreign, mid east looking man, carrying his daughter back and forth in KLIA. as soon as i saw him looking at us, i averted my gaze pretending not to see him. he approaches us though and i got puzzled. he told us that he was stuck for days in KLIA with no money and no food. all his belongings were taken by some stranger, guess the word 'robbed' would be appropriate. but who knows if he's cheating? explanation went on, my big brother took out RM50 and gave him away. 

that man conveyed his gratitude, so sincerely but i kept questioning my brother if he was cheating as we walked away. "Allah knows if he's cheating.", my brother answered. 


then a sudden thought popped into my mind - Allah knows everything and He creates everything. Human beings, animals, plants; it doesn't really matter, for all of them are the creations of Allah. 


think again, 2:43, muslims are encouraged to emulate the messenger of Allah, that is to assess and pay their zakah, ever ask why? 

i'm pretty sure you've heard of Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world. imagine, if he gives away 2.5% of his money to the poor people in the world. you can roughly calculate how much of his wealth that is contributed for good to the world, soon improve the HDI of the country hence increases the national income, GDP, GNP, NNI and so on. not to mention, the reduced crime and better opportunities for all.


learning economics simultaneously seeking the truth in Islam makes me realize so many things. subhanallah, the beauty of zakah; it's more than just a tax, it's more than charity. it's a tool that fosters justice and harmony. even though we're not connected, even though our skin color or maybe religion, or race is different, it's still a life that Allah has granted to them.


what if we start with a little alms (sedekah)? instead of paying RM5 for unhealthy junk food and beverage, why don't we give it away to those who can't even afford a slice of bread?

"While earning your daily bread, be sure you share with those less fortunate,"

- P.S I Love You

p/s: sorry for the very-late-update. IB is currently inducing overexertion in schoolwork, violently impedes my already-non-existent social life. but no worries, i'm surviving it! kbye ;)

assalam alaik! :D

who knows, this Ramadhan could be my last?

a few years back, i had always struggled with covering my awra. considering myself as an orchestra simultaneously a brass band clarinet player, surrounded by multicultural friends in school, i delayed it. i thought too much on how hijab would soon change me, especially on how my chinese and indian friends would treat me indifferently than before. again and again, i decided to delay, assuming; 'alas, the time will come.'

and so, i failed to cover them, up until my upper secondary school years.

i enrolled into boarding school then, inheriting so-called family tradition, along with the dream to become a scholar like my brother someday. i worked hard and tried to score every tests and examinations that i came across and successfully obtaining consistent high marks.

i did a lot of hard work - for nothing really.

it's compulsory to wear hijab in boarding school and so i obeyed. i soon tried to wear it outside the school and i succeeded. my first year of being a 'hijaber' was a success, i thought.

until, a chinese friend of mine asked me about hijab and the only thing i did was to regurgitate what others say about Islamic modesty, wearing it for Allah’s sake as He commanded it etc. but i didn’t mean it. i didn't feel satisfied with it.

yes, hijab had been my weakness.
if someone, anyone wanted to plant a seed of resentment in me, they'd start with hijab. force me to wear it. promise me the hell-fire.

perhaps i just want to feel joy and faith when i do things, just like everything i do in life. even when i feed any cat or fish, feeling compassion for it in its current state, i feel joy and faith taking care of Allah’s creation.

i even wondered why does Allah; oblige us to cover up ourselves, cover our aurat.

because Islam challenges us to be the best we can be.
i believe my struggles with hijab, is the key challenge for me. may also be true for sisters whose families or even whose cultures are not particularly observant, i know, i've been through the whole thing.

for others it may be something else, especially if hijab is no problem for you. i am a Muslim. i have no qualms, no shyness about being muslim and believing that Islam is the truth. life, science, maths, geography, history, medicine, everything reflects Islam and Islam reflects everything. you can deny it, but it will still exist. it’s like the huge pink elephant in the room that nobody wants to acknowledge. just like gravity, like kinetic energy, like 1 + 1 = 2, like cells multiplying, Islam does not need human belief to exist. gravity will still pull everything to earth, 1 + 1 will always be 2, cells will continue to multiply even if we deny that these are truths. Islam is true, quran is true. 17:105

hence awra is an Islamic truth. 24:31


and so i reflected each and every passing moment of mine
how He started to bring me into path, He introduced to me ukhwah, He conveyed His commands and messages through them, He shows His affection and love by answering my prayers sometimes declined them too, yet He still gives the best. 2:153

and He protects me from going astray
He placed me into another better place, Mara College Seremban. He gives me another wonderful family, He blessed me another Ramadhan, and yes, He even brings along my whole family into His only path this Ramadhan. alhamdulillah, thank you, thank you ya Allah. this ramadhan means so much to me ya Allah. subhanallah, Allah knows best. 22:68

i've learnt so much things within this holy month. i've taken inspiration from friends, new friends, seniors and even reverts who practice Islam with so much conviction and faith. nothing can sway them and they are satisfied. and i realize they, themselves have walked their own paths. they have learned, studied, gathered knowledge and chose Islam. they also made mistakes, for each person is weak and prone to sin and error. 4:110

insyaAllah, i would like to be the same. i'd like to feel like i'm doing the best thing, that i'm practicing the eternal truth.

i want to feel happy wearing hijab. i don’t want to begrudge a piece of cloth.


and who knows, this Ramadhan could be my last Ramadhan, hence i seek forgiveness from anyone who knows me and i am forgiving anyone who has done the same to me. not to forget, my greatest gratitude to anyone who had changed me for the better. thank you so much, may Allah bless you guys :)

assalam alaik! :D