save us, all of us

i used to have this ridiculous feeling - felt envious of my friends or any random people from pious family.

i thought that it's never easy to stand still alone, especially on this very new route. i'd been thinking, 'if only i was a pious, good girl since i was born, or maybe just since 10 years ago - i must have been a better muslim by now, read the Quran better, memorise the Quran more, or maybe i could even understand the Arabic words without taking a little glimpse on the translations.' 'if only... if only...' the list went on.

and up to one ultimate point, i was wondering, 'why aren't these things happening to me?'

astaghfirullah, that was truly ridiculous.

i remember how i got exhausted of my joyful yet monotonous life back then. it's like rowing boat on a calm sea but expecting waves to hit the boat instead. but once the storm hit, it drowned me to the bottom of the sea and i saw no way out.

yes, the time of desperation. that was the time i turned to my Creator to plead, not for what can be measured, bought or sold, just a single hope to be a better muslim. i braced myself, prayed for guidance and strength. but never did i see any connection to my previous prayer. reflecting on it, i realised how i had grown. and suddenly i remembered my prayer, suddenly i felt that that very difficulty was itself the answer to the prayer i had made so desperately.

that difficulty brought me back to path. in fact, that was the best way of bringing me back, back to where i belong. [21:35]

a sister once told me: "a good start doesn't guarantee a good ending." a girl without hijab today might be thousands times better than us in the akhirah. a drunk man on the street might end his life with Allah's mercy and forgiveness. each and every of us is wandering in the middle of a forest trying to find our way out. but all the trees look the same and each path leads back to the beginning.

no one finds their way out on their own - except whom He saves. 
save me, save us. for truly, truly i cannot save myself.

in good hands

i've been listening to thought voices these days. perhaps it's just my lonely time hence it comes haunting like a shadow that never leaves a man. i don't know, sometimes it's just funny to even think of it, nah nevermind.

you see, this whole year, has been tiring - physically, mentally and emotionally. i have to admit, there have been times when i felt like throwing everything away and settle down. just me and myself and leave everybody else hanging. which literally explains why on earth i only wrote 2 entries throughout the year. (this post included)

but then, that would be just wrong. 

i can't simply leave things behind and chase after the things in front. 'cause i'll end up getting nothing. 

...

countless incidents just happened and how i wish it keeps happening, within the same year, the same age and never gets old. just looking at the age of turning 20, i wish this year could've been better. i could've learnt more, i could've done more for the people around me, i could've experienced more, the list goes on. but as i come to think of that, i had probably accomplished those, maybe i just had enough. what's left is to hope that i lived those days well, those years well, 19 years back :)

19 years and the voyage of living my childhood dream looks so much closer now.

so close yet so far.

nahh, i envision everything to be more of jumping from one problem to the next. whether i get to achieve my dreams or not shall remain secret, my lifespan, my soul-mate, everything shall remain secret, only time will tell.

life (indeed) has thrown a lot of things towards yours truly over here. but i'm glad that i managed to catch them. after all, Allah never fails to surprise me. i can still smile at the end of the day. so, worry not!

insyaAllah, 3:31.

i'm in good hands, the best hands. His hands :)

why can't i get what i want?

i was one to get attached.

ever since i was a little girl, i learned to become attached to everything around me - family, friends, places, moments and even outcomes. i just couldn't let go of anything. i was devastated when things didn't the work out the way i wanted, i even broke down when i didn't get As for exams. disappointment really isn't my thing. it was odd, catastrophic perhaps.

or maybe the word 'expectations' derived everything. expectations, expectations, expectations. expectations made me fall into the same pattern of disappointment and despairs. i had always thought love of dunnya meant being attached to material things. and apparently, it wasn't materials that i looked into. it was people, emotions. i was attached to people's expectations, people's decision and most of all people's impression. these were all parts of dunnya, these were temporary. the pain i had been experiencing was due to dunnya, overly attached to love of dunnya.

wallahi, as soon as i began to have the realisation, a veil was lifted from my eyes. second semester result was indeed a slam on my face. i sat down quietly at the corner of my room, thinking of what went wrong. perhaps it's a huge mistake of taking math HL, or perhaps it's due to the lacking of effort, or just maybe the exams, the syllabus, the entire IB was tough so on and forth. like a fragile glass vase that is placed on the edge of table, once it fell and broken, people got frustrated and bought a new vase to replace it. but the problem wasn't with the vase, the problem was putting the vase on the edge of table in the first place. i began to realise IB wasn't the problem, math HL wasn't the problem, it was me.


i happened to perchance an ayat from the glorious Quran, "those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present and those who heed not Our Signs." [10:7]

masyaAllah, Allah uses this failure to direct me.

 it was different this time. a few years back, i would cry over my examination results. but not anymore. i realise this failure isn't solely a failure. this failure is a reward. i told myself, "isn't Allah seeking your attention? isn't Allah calling you back to His path? isn't Allah trying to show His love? masyaAllah, subhanallah, wallahi Allah is perfect. Allah knows best and Allah shows His reward in another form. "...but it is possible you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you, but Allah knows, and you know not." [2:216]

subhanallah! Allah uses this failure to inspect me.

my usrah sister often reminds me of this: "for every situation in life, there is a name of Allah to turn to." maybe Allah wishes to inspect my faith, my iman. masyaAllah, all of these tested my faith, and eventually they gave me patience. thank you Allah :)

and finally, Allah uses this failure to protect me.

wallahi, i was thinking, if only my second semester result was as good as the semester before, maybe i would keep on staying in the comfort zone. maybe i would underestimate things. or worse, maybe i would go astray, na'uzubillah. alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah.

look, Allah is far more interested in our character than our comfort. our relationship with Allah and our character are the only two things that we're going to take with us into eternity. these problems, or it would be more appropriate to call them as 'tests', have triggered so many questions, am i obsessed with the dunnya? have i forgotten the akhirah? have i forgotten the priceless rewards in jannah? have i forgotten the hell fire in jahannam?

i'm pretty sure that i'll keep on experiencing emotional roller coaster in the future. so why don't we turn to the one and only rope we have, Allah SWT? Allah loves our voice. Allah wants to hear us asking Him. Allah wants us to turn back to Him. He wants us to be in jannah. He doesn't want us to ever forget Him and sidetracked by this dunnya. and most of all, Allah loves us.


so, before asking "why Allah doesn't give what i want?", ask yourself this, "did i give what Allah wants?" :)

p/s: semester 3 just started and the former batch just got their flying colour results. lecturers have been saying their results are the best so far. congratulations dear seniors! so it's our turn next year and this is going to be challenging, i mean very very challenging. do pray for us! go batch 7! insyaAllah :)

assalamualaikum! :)